A few years ago I read about John and Julie Gottman’s work on relationships. They are known for their work on bids for connection, which is any attempt, verbal or nonverbal, that one partner makes to engage with the other. A bid may look like, “Hey, do you want to watch something on TV?” or “What are you doing this afternoon?” It can even be something very subtle, like entering the room and asking if I’ve seen the keys.

The key to responding, according to the Gottmans, is turning toward your partner and giving them your attention. This builds connection and safety in the relationship, and it is something I am still learning to do. Often I forget to turn, and that leads to bad feelings, even if just subconsciously.

When I speak of partner, I really mean anyone important in your life, whether it is a life partner, a child or parent, or a friend. When I remember to turn and give my attention to someone, I’m sure it engenders a positive “I’m being seen” feeling on their part, but it also has a positive effect on me. I feel more connected, and that makes me feel good.

How do I remind myself to notice and respond to these bids for connection? Mostly by just reminding myself of the Gottmans’ work and the concept of “bids for connection”… and writing it down like I’m doing right now. It really isn’t harder than that.