I feel this constant tug of war inside me: wanting to be seen, versus a deep longing to make something that feels amazing and authentic, but only to myself.

This tug of war has been going on for a long time. I notice it whenever I think about making something. The first thing that comes into my mind is, “Ooh, how would it look on Instagram?” And I instantly feel the yuck factor. I do not want to go in that direction. I can feel my sense of play shrinking the moment I start thinking about being seen.

I recently saw a YouTube video that asked, What would you create if no one was looking?

The question stopped me in my tracks. I thought to myself, is there anything I would want to make purely for me? It was a really hard question. At first, I couldn’t come up with anything. Even though I had been working on avoiding thinking about likes or posting or showing my work, almost everything I work on ends up in my mind framed in terms of visibility.

I realize I have two beliefs in tension. One is that visibility is value, that being seen is valuable.

The other belief is that creativity is most powerful when it happens in private. I do believe that. Creativity becomes much more powerful when you are not judging it through the lens of likability. When you are not letting other people’s voices judge it for you.

That tension became even clearer when I noticed that the urge for visibility mutes my sense of play, and play is the doorway to my real creativity. When I create something and I’m thinking about what people will think when they see it, I unconsciously edit myself. My unconscious keeps me small.

But in private, there is total safety. The safety of trying something new and weird. The safety of having thoughts that might be taboo. A safe place where it is totally okay to fail. A place where you have permission to go where your mind has never gone before. That is powerful.

A while ago, I created something that I really did make just for myself. I call it Sunset Scuttlebutt. It is an odd little piece: a model of a street intersection with cars on both sides. There are lights, streetlights that turn green, yellow, and red. There is also a screen showing quotes I took from Nextdoor. As each car flashes its headlights in turn, a new Nextdoor quote appears.

Nextdoor is kind of a weird place, full of complaints and fear, definitely not somewhere I like to hang out. So Sunset Scuttlebutt is making a bit of fun of that. It felt really good to make it. I remember the moment I first sketched the idea. I felt a private little grin, because the absurdity and satire were already alive in the drawing. That small grin told me this piece was for me. I have shown it in public, but I have gotten very little feedback, probably because it is such an odd piece. Still, it feels really satisfying.

What I have learned is that creativity is not about visibility. Creativity is really a compass. It is a conversation with your own sense of beauty or justice. It is really about how you want to see the world. It is not about the thing that is created. It is about the vision you want to see.

I now realize that my compass points toward play, especially the playful absurdity and satire that show up only when I feel safe. That moment of amusement during the planning sketch helped me see this clearly.

What I do now before I go into my creative sessions is meditate. I made a guided meditation that focuses me on creating, just for me. I call it the Temenos meditation. Temenos, from Jungian psychology, is a safe space for the subconscious.

It reminds me that the space I am about to enter when I create is safe. There is no judgment. Nobody is looking. It is private. I am allowed to fail. I am allowed to do as little or as much as I want. I am allowed to explore any topic, any idea.

It has been very helpful. What changes for me now is that I can feel my sense of play return as soon as I enter that inner room. The pressure lifts, and the absurdity and satire become welcome again.

So I would like to ask you… if nobody were watching, no views, no likes, no applause, what would you make just for the joy of it? If you had a safe space free of judgment, what would you create just for yourself?

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